You’re at your friend’s wedding, and despite the clear registry they set up months ago, you’ve decided to go rogue. No blender, towels, or steak knives for you—no, you’re getting them a beautiful, hand-painted, artisanal vase you found on Etsy. Unique, personal, thoughtful—perfect, right? Fast forward to the unwrapping: they thank you, but there’s a flicker of “what is this?” in their eyes. And then, at the bottom of the gift pile, they find the blender they actually wanted from Aunt Patty, who dutifully followed the registry. Guess who gets the big, sincere grin? Aunt Patty.

As it turns out, this scenario is surprisingly common. According to a study by researchers at Harvard and Stanford, people often stray from explicit gift requests because they think a “surprise” gift shows more thoughtfulness. But here’s the kicker: recipients overwhelmingly prefer the gifts they requested instead of surprise alternatives.

Givers vs. Receivers: The Thoughtfulness Gap

The study digs into why we’re so confident in our off-list choices. Gift-givers seem to believe that choosing an unrequested gift shows they’re going the extra mile, and they expect recipients to see it the same way. But when asked, recipients interpret the gesture as missing the mark. For them, requested gifts (those practical things we think are “boring”) are considered considerate and attentive. So, while we might feel clever browsing unusual finds, the truth is, Aunt Patty nailed it with that blender.

The research even tested scenarios where the gift was a single specific item the recipient wanted (like the beloved blender) versus multiple gift options. When givers stuck to a single item, recipients showed more appreciation. And here’s a surprise: recipients even rated cash as more thoughtful than an unrequested item. It’s practical and simple, whereas a “surprise” gift can feel like it’s about the giver’s taste rather than the receiver’s needs.

The Moral of the Gift-Giving Story

So, what’s the takeaway for all of us? If someone hands you a wishlist, don’t take it as a hint—take it as a map! You’re saving them from disappointment and yourself from the guessing game. And if they say they’d love some cash? Don’t worry about it looking impersonal. As the Harvard and Stanford research shows, recipients appreciate the ease and flexibility cash offers more than we’d expect.

Final Advice: When it comes to gifts, ditch the pressure to impress with something unexpected. Aunt Patty’s success wasn’t a fluke. Stick to the list, throw in a nice card, and know that sometimes the best gifts are the ones that simply say, “I listened.” And hey, if the registry says “blender,” just give them the blender.

But what if your gift recipient hasn’t requested anything? Here’s an IFOD on What Makes a Good Gift.