^{They look happy, but are they really?}

Having Children Decreases Happiness

About a decade ago, I heard Havard professor and happiness expert Daniel Gilbert speak at a conference. His theme was that having children makes us unhappy. He understandably got pushback from parents during his Q&A but reiterated that every study about parenthood and happiness found that having children makes people less happy.

The research on parenting and happiness is primarily based on a method known as real-time experience sampling, where volunteers are pinged a few times a day via their smartphones and asked about their feelings and emotions in the present moment. What these experience sampling studies find is that we’re happiest when we’re doing things like socializing with friends, listening to music, exercising, taking a walk, and, of course, having sex. At the opposite end of the spectrum are things we don’t enjoy, like commuting, doing chores, and, for some, working.

Where did spending time with children lie along the continuum? Just below running errands and preparing food, it is way less happiness-inducing than mundane things like exercising and watching TV. So, it’s not the worst thing, but spending time with our children isn’t usually blissful.

Novelist Zadie Smith described how many feel about having children as “that strange admixture of terror, pain, and delight.” Or consider what psychologist Sonja Lyubmormisky writes in her book The Myths of Happiness, “Children are the fount of our greatest joy and the source of our greatest sorrow.” So true.

It makes sense that children would drag down our happiness because our little munchkins are expensive and need care and attention, which leads to us doing less of those things that are high on the happiness list. Children interfere with taking vacations, going to dinner with friends, relaxing with a good book, exercising, and having sex. Plus, having children is associated with a decrease in marital satisfaction. As writer Jennifer Senior notes in her book All Joy and No Fun, children provoke a couple’s most frequent arguments—“more than money, more than work, more than in-laws, more than annoying personal habits, communication styles, leisure activities, commitment issues, bothersome friends, sex.”

And then there’s the worry about your children that weighs on you constantly. At times, I’ve found the responsibility of being a parent overwhelming.

The experience sampling research is buttressed by other studies that find that our happiness is U-shaped, meaning that we tend to be least happy when we’re middle-aged (the nadir is age 47) and feel happier as we get older. Our low points tend to coincide with our children being teenagers. Maybe it’s just a correlation. But maybe not. Here’s a chart:

Given all this, it isn’t surprising that there’s a happiness boost when parents become empty-nesters.

But Having Children is Great!

But if you ask a parent if they are happy they have kids, most (all?) will say “yes.” I’ve asked this question to dozens of friends and colleagues, and they’ve all said it has been worth it. And I think so, too. Why does this paradox exist?

First, because happiness isn’t the end-all-be-all of human existence — we also seek meaning in our lives. While parents might think that caring for their kids is a drag when it’s happening, they also report that the more time they spend with their kids, the more meaningful their lives are. And current positive psychology research concludes that “people will pursue meaningfulness even at the expense of happiness.” Personally, while being a parent hasn’t been full of day-to-day bliss, I do have a deep sense of satisfaction now that my daughters have grown into amazing young adults with whom I enjoy spending time (and girls, if you are reading this, I did enjoy spending time with you when you were younger too). Partnering with my wife to raise my daughters is probably the most fulfilling thing I’ve done.

There are other factors at play that make parents say it’s worth it to have kids. One is the “Peak-End Rule,” which says that our remembering selves judge past experiences differently than we experienced them. As I wrote in a prior IFOD, “We don’t remember things as they happened, but rather our memories are a series of snapshots of peaks and ends which our minds average out to give us an impression of an experience. It means that the emotions we feel during an experience shape how we remember it. Note that a “peak” doesn’t just refer to a good experience, but rather to all intense moments, whether positive or negative.”

So, when we look back on the 90 minutes of drudgery we spent with our three-year-old at the park where they cried, tried to run away, got hurt, and wanted us to push them on a swing (but not too high and not too low) over and over and over, we will think it was a great park outing if she says “daddy, you’re the best daddy ever” and squeezes you tight (the “peak”) and if she leaves without a fuss and holds your hand on the way home (the “end”).

Then there’s love. As a parent, it’s crazy to think that you and your mate created another human. On a certain level, they are indelibly yours. It’s nearly impossible to imagine what your life would be like if they had never existed. And the love you feel for them (hopefully) makes unpleasantness, expense, and worry worth it.